Grocery stores are for buying food....

I went to Fry's today....when I got there I had no idea why I was there or how I even got there.  I sort of wandered around like I was having an out of body experience.  I knew that I had to go to the pharmacy but after that ....not a damn thing.  I didn't really remember driving there.  I went to Home Depot, my mom had come over so I could that, but why was I roaming around a Fry's?  Let me be perfectly clear......there is no food in my house.  Tyson hardly eats..he is very specific so I always have his stuff on hand and Alex has special food that comes in the mail once a month.  Soooo besides an unending supply of Pepsi Max there is nothing to eat..out of bread, milk, cheese, crackers, apples....EVERYTHING....but I still had no clue why I was at the store.  So what did I do...I bought shampoo.  Seemed like a good idea.

I've noticed that a lot of my day is starting to be like that...I'm not sure where I am for a moment or how I got there.  It's like going to work and not remembering driving...thank God the car knows the way.  I've ruled out all the major possibilities...brain tumor...alzheimers....so either I'm really starting to go a little crazy or it's the stress and the lack of sleep.  Not a good feeling before going off to surgery...the shit could hit the fan you know...surgery fails....they decide to list him...transplant...and the psychiatric evaluation that goes along with it.  Great timing for me to turn into bald Britney Spears.

The worst part is that everything bothers me....I get confused in the store, the TV volume put me on edge and any music just about makes me want to put a pencil in my eye.  I feel like Tyson is yelling, that his volume control button is on HIGH and that even Alex is very loud.  The neighborhood dogs...ugh...yap yap yap, and the damn kids...it's too loud.  But the quiet is worse..I think too much and none of my thoughts are good.  I am the queen of "half empty", all those positive, secure, happy people can just bite me.  I'm not in the mood.  I just want to sleep...for a while.  I want all of this to be over.  I want Alex to progress both internally and externally.  I want him to be normal and he's not...and he's not going to be.  This isn't what I signed up for when I married a baseball guy.  I was going to have  a fun life...with my 2 little boys in their matching jerseys waving at daddy on the field....not this...this is a disaster.  I'm the one who waves...wave at my husband as he leaves for spring training....wave at Tyson as he goes in to school....wave at Alex as they wheel him away into surgery.....it makes my hand hurt.